The Cold

I know, I have been heavy with thoughts lately, I think this year was just very moved in terms of connections and rejections. I started to feel cold in the middle of a heatwave, cold inside, insecure and lost. Sometimes I have to stop and solve the mysteries of my mind, repair past damages that suddenly show up again and stop scaring people who mean a lot to me. I cannot change the emotional and passionate way I am, I like it this way but I know it can be misunderstood and scary. I am just generally thinking a lot, I am not a shallow soul just walking through life not caring or knowing what happens, I don't want to be. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by everything and I cannot say in what direction I am going anymore, then I have to stop and tame the chaos in my mind, because no one can tame it for me. I feel sorry for the bad and heavy thoughts I am putting on people in such days, I know it can be a lot to take and is not very attractive and just opens a dark dimension of my soul. But it is part of me, as much as the passionate, traveller and artist soul inside of me.

I need my emotions, I need my feelings, I need the passion in my life. I cannot just ignore this and drown in a shallow way. On the other hand, I also cannot lose myself in illusions, as I wrote before. I cannot open my heart and still need my reason and my happy mind on the way. Sometimes I just lose the balance. I need to feel some warmth and affection to be able to be reasonable, this might sound like a contradiction but this is how it works... I might be complicated... or just a dreamer who still knows reality and needs both to be inspired and open myself in whatever way :)